Nurture Nature... There's No Versus

I think I've pinpointed another reason why I'm finding it so difficult to spend less time with Luke, and its also the basis for a lot of anxiety about this coming semester when Luke's girlfriend will be living here in OKC. Its in my nature to take care of people, partially because I'm an oldest sister. Its the reason I enjoy ministry. Its how I manage my friendships. Its hard for me to see a friend who needs help and choose not to help them.

So I take care of Luke when he's sick. I take care of him when he's drunk. I keep him company when he's lonely, and I bring him chocolate cake because I know he likes it. I do all of this even though I pay dearly with feelings of resentment and jealousy when he takes care of his girlfriend and not me. I need someone of my own to take care of... I don't think I'm really ready to date again but I'm starting to want to. I don't know how to make any of this better.

At this point in my life, most of my friends are graduated and moved on, and the remainder are married and off the radar, dating someone or preparing to graduate, and everyone is extremely busy. I drive about an hour every day, alone. I work as a nanny, alone. I'm the only one in my house who ever does homework, so I do that alone. I'm generally the only one in my house awake past 10:30pm. The person who is most excited to see me is my dog. I don't feel like I'm in any position to turn down a friend who is trying so hard to make time for me. Plus, we had an amazing friendship for 3.5 years before we even dated. I'm not willing to just let it die.

The Wisdom of Nicole Kidman

It is officially cold now. I've been really surprised at how long its stayed warm. I'm sad that I missed out on the good camping weather, because I've been wanting to go for awhile. If I went camping now, it'd have to be with someone who would spoon, because it would be freakin cold at night. And I don't see that happening anytime soon. Plus, I've been sick for the last couple of weeks and sleeping outside in the cold probably wouldn't help me out much.

This season of transition is always a time of reflection for me. Of course the most recent big event in my life that I have to reflect on is the breakup in August. Its been a lonely and painful semester, and as of right now, next semester looks to be the same, considering the fact that both Luke and Whitney have their significant others moving to Oklahoma City to be with them. I have this foreboding sense of impending abandonment, and its plaguing any kind of positive outlook I could have for next semester.

I hate being this way. I feel like such a downer; I can feel my friends getting tired of me. It seems like my breakup, my broken heart, and my shattered self-esteem are all old news to everyone around me, but its still a raw wound to me. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to balance "taking care of myself" and feeling selfish and guilty for doing so. Its not in my nature to put myself first, so when I say no to people, take time off, or stay in bed when I'm sick - I just feel like I'm letting people down and that doesn't help me. I don't know where the line is.

I recently read an interview of Nicole Kidman in an issue of Glamour that was really encouraging to me and I'd like to share it. This statement follows a series of questions regarding the 6 years Nicole spent alone between getting divorced from Tom Cruise and marrying Kieth Urban. Glamour asked, "You're so good at giving advice on the basis of your life lessons; what can you tell our readers?" This was her response:

"Be kind to yourself. The sun always rises tomorrow, and through this shall come light... Have no regrets. Every relationship leads you to where you're meant to be. Learn to be comfortable with being alone. Learn to be comfortable with saying no to people; we put everybody else before ourselves. Read great literature; don't get all your information from TV. Define your moral code - nobody else is going to give you that. Find it yourself. Keep asking questions, keep challenging. You don't have to conform. Rebellion creates character. And, as my mother always said to me, 'Don't let anyone break your spirit!'"

I'm trying. Really trying.

First Haircut in Five Years

Well I finally did it... I chopped it off. It turned out really well, and I'm happy with it. Here's the before picture:


The after picture:

The hair on the floor:


And the final result:

I'm loving it!!

I'm Sick ...[or]... I Heart Freaks And Geeks

I'm sick. Super sick. I ache all over like you wouldn't believe. Consequently I spent my Sunday nearly entirely in bed, watching Scrubs and having chicken noodle soup and low acid orange juice brought to me. Luke showed up with an armful of cough drops and meds for me to take, along with the aforementioned culinary remedies. It was really nice. Since I slept most of the day, I couldn't sleep last night until about 3:30 this morning.

I woke up this morning feeling mostly better, just achy and throatsore enough to stay home again today. More OJ and soup. Today Luke brought me his Freaks and Geeks DVDs. I love this show for a lot of reasons. Its so honest. High school sucks so bad while you're there, and afterward, almost none of it matters. I love Kevin Smith movies. Plus, I love the actors... lots of them are still around and I like them in their current flicks. I'm watching the DVDs while I'm doing my homework... here's one of the best lines: "You know, I had a friend who used to smoke. You know what he's doing now?? He's DEAD. You think smoking makes you look cool? Let's go dig him up now and see how cool he looks."

HA!!

Ready For Some Changes

I'm ready to majorly overhaul my life. I get these random urges to just fly off the radar. To do something crazy. Well, not really crazy, just completely revolutionize several areas of my life. Here are just a few I've been thinking of:

1. I want to move to Portland, Oregon. Perhaps after graduation.
2. I want to move to Ireland. Soon. Not immediately, but not in the far future.
3. I want to live by myself. I want to stand on my own two feet, sink in somewhere on my own.
   
4. I want to chop my hair off. I've been growing it out since I graduated high school, really. I'm sick of it.
   
5. I want to date someone new. Someone older than me.
6. I want to care again. I want to promote a cause I'm passionate about. I want to work toward something with sustenance.
   

The only change I'm already in the process of making is having my own room for the first time since I lived in my parents' house. I'm moving into my studio room and moving my studio space out into our second living room. Whitney and I have shared a bedroom for so long, I'm not sure if it will be more lonely or liberating for me. We'll see how it goes. :)

There are a few things I've already initiated, things I've already started to change. New things in my life that I heartily embrace.

1. I got a dog... I've never had a pet before that I could have a relationship with. She really loves me, and she's excited to see me when I get home. I love my Norah.
2. I'm on a good diet. Its a natural foods diet that really works and makes me feel really good when I stick to it. The last couple weeks have been harder, but in general I'm doing really well with it.
   
3. I've been taking more responsibility on a personal level. This one's hard to explain, but I feel like its definitely a positive step.
   

Happy Halloween. :)

Finding Happiness Under The Sludge

The last couple days have held some rather horrid events. Like completely out-of-the-blue crappy stuff. It all started Saturday afternoon, when I got a rather distressing email. I've been commissioned to design a logo for a website, and I've now wasted a week of work because they've decided they want to keep their original name. Then, I tried to go pick up my friend Aaron so we could hang out, and I blew a tire in a pothole. A brand new tire that I bought a couple weeks ago when I blew a tire on a curb. Awesome. THEN, Luke, Aaron, and I were going to my friend Canaan's birthday party/bonfire, and Canaan didn't give me very clear directions... so we ended up making like 8 turnarounds and spending an extra hour on the road before we even got going in the right direction, and in the course of the evening I wasted an entire tank of gas.

I feel like I'm waste deep in a sludge of bad luck, bad circumstances, and bad timing.

I'm really trying to concentrate on the small things that are making me happy right now because those are the only things allowing me to get through the sludge. I'm going to make a list of those small things... to stay sane. And try to be happy.

1. I had chocolate hazelnut creme gelato last night. Mmmmm...
2. I stepped on crackling leaves while I was walking Norah this morning.
3. Leo was visiting when I blew my tire so he was able to help me change it.
4. Luke and I finished season 1 of Heroes last night.
5. Whitney, Luke, and I rescued a stray dog on Sunday, and now we're making him healthy.
6. Halloween is coming.
7. My logo and website name ideas were awesome, even if my client doesn't want to use them.
8. I get to sit at home and cuddle my dog until 4:30 tonight because I don't have homework to do. For once.
   

Hot Chocolate Weather

This morning was cold. I need to put another blanket on my bed. Being directly under a window doesn't help either. Its sleep-in-socks weather. Slipper weather. Big fluffy robe weather. Hot chocolate weather. Curl up on the couch in a blanket with a book weather. I'd love it a lot more if I had someone to cuddle with. Aside from my dog. <3

It all makes me want to listen to Christmas music and sit in front of a fire. Wrap presents and giggle with my sisters. Of course, I'll be saving that for closer to Christmas... but that is what this time of year makes me look forward to. First is Halloween!! It should be fun, although I haven't come up with a costume yet. I was Little Red Riding Hood last year. I'm up for any suggestions!!

I have mewithoutYou lyrics stuck in my head. I think I'll share them. This is the end of the song Messes of Men from their Brother, Sister album. Fantastic album, I love every song on it. Granted, mewithoutYou has a style that is not for everyone, but the lyrics are fantastic - deep and thought-provoking enough that most people can appreciate them.

"A few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure,
And I assure you, it was not what I expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
Is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel.
To an anchor ever-dropped, seasick yet still docked.
Captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel,
Floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong,
We keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short.

I drank a thimble full of fire and I'm not ever coming back.

Oh, my God!

I do not exist we faithfully insist
While watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew.
If ever you come near, I'll hold up high a mirror,
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You."



Great stuff.