hurt. disappointed.
anxious. overwhelmed.
wistful. jealous.

tired.

3D Modeling Blog

I have a few moments to stop by the blog realm, and I thought I would give my faithful readers the opportunity to see some of the work I've recently done in my Digital 3D Modeling and Animation class. The program I'm slowly learning to use is not unlike that which Pixar animators use to create their characters. Of course, I'm nowhere near that skill level, but it's an exciting prospect. I've created another blog on Wordpress to post my work. Here's a link to the posts with the models I've built:Hoddy's 3D Modeling: Models. If you're interested in seeing the other things from the class on the site, you can click on the title of the site and it will show you my project research, class notes, etc. I figured most people wouldn't care about those. :) Let me know what you think!!

It's Been Too Long...

Although I'm altogether positive that no one's happiness hangs on the frequency of my blog posts, I nonetheless apologize for my departure from the Blogspot realm. The busyness of the end of last semester and the holiday season demanded that I temporarily relinquish at least one time-consuming online habit. Unfortunately, the blog was the first thing to go. But, at the request of my mother, I'm going to attempt some semblance of a return.

So, what's new in my world??, you may ask. Well, I've always been a fan of lists. So I'm glad you asked.

1. I'm currently enrolled in my 10th and FINAL semester of college. Its fun because all four of my classes are art classes: Advanced Graphic Design, Digital 3D Modeling & Animation, Illustration 2, and Computer Graphics for Broadcast.
   
2. I spent the entirety of last semester building an amazing digital portfolio/self-promotion website... and I lost it a week before finals due to a corrupted file/fried thumb drive. It was devastating. I'm currently in the process of completely rebuilding it.
3. I'm graduating from Oklahoma Christian University on May 1st with a degree in New Media Design / Graphic Design. I could not be more excited. I'm looking forward to so many things: the cap, the gown, the ring, the diploma, the freedom from homework... to name a few. Rosy thoughts causing rosy cheeks.
   
4. I've decided to move to Portland, Oregon, following graduation. It's far away from home, but that's the only drawback. I have been providentially lead to an amazing home, two amazing roommates, and several other amazing opportunities in a beyond-amazing city that is the closest to Ireland that America will ever come.
   
5. I'm planning a road trip with my mom and my dog to get to Portland. We'll be going west through the Grand Canyon and L.A. before heading north all the way through Cali to get there. I. Am. So. Stoked.
   
6. I'm borderline panicked about getting enough money saved up before my cross-country trip. Prayers/donations appreciated.
   

That is the current status of my life. How are you??

Tis The Season For Change

I've been contemplating several changes I'd like to make to my life, so I thought I'd list them out for two reasons: first, making a list of things makes me more apt to do them. Second, sharing the list gives the reader the chance to encourage me in these endeavors. And I usually need all the encouragement I can get.

1. I want to start eating breakfast. There are a million reasons why, and the only reason I don't is because I'm lazy and I sleep in too close to time to leave.
   
2. I want to stick to my diet better. This is mostly self-motivated and I haven't done very well lately.
   
3. I want to spend more time with friends that I don't spend much time with. This is made more difficult by everyone's hectic schedules this close to finals and the holidays, but I might have more luck with this one next semester.
   
4. I want to paint more. Again, I think I'll have more luck with this one next semester, and I know that I'll be doing some of this over Christmas break.
   
5. I want to really really enjoy my last Christmas break. This shouldn't be too hard but I'm going to have to try really hard not to dwell on the sad parts.
   
6. I want to cook more. This is way more fun when done with someone... but I'm trying to enjoy more things by myself.
   
7. I want to make a few New Year resolutions that I actually keep. We'll see how that goes...
8. I want to start writing again. This blog is entertaining, but its nowhere near the caliber of written genius I used to crank out.
   
9. I want to be more informed on local and national politics. I don't want the next time I vote to be the presidential election in 2012.
   
10. I want to do more community service. I've gotten out of the habit and its not something I want to do just because its required for my classes or my club.
    

I want 2009 to be the year of self improvement. I want it to be the year I look back on as one I am really proud of.

Sixteen Things About Me

i was prompted to write this for a friend on facebook, so i thought i may as well share it with the blogspot community. enjoy:

write a note with sixteen random things, shortcomings, facts, habits, strengths, or goals you have.

1. i am an extremely picky eater. absolutely no peppers, no onions, no avocados, no vinegar, no spinach, no salad, no broccoli, no salad, no mustard, and no squash... just to name a few.

2. i am extremely 'type A'. i keep a very detailed calendar, and i hang my tshirts in rainbow order in my closet. i also alphabetize my movies and keep an excel spreadsheet list of them detailing the name of the movie, the format its in, the genre it falls into, and what notable actors/actresses are in each one. now that i think about it, some of the things i do make me sound borderline OCD...

3. i never set just one alarm, i have to set a series of them in order to get out of bed, and that doesn't always work. i never get up to the first alarm i set, i always push snooze at least 5 times. the best way for me to get up on time is to have someone wake me up. repeatedly.

4. i feel more vulnerable right now than i have in my entire life, and i feel like this is the time i should be strong. which makes me feel like a failure. which makes me feel pathetic.

5. i have decided to try my hardest to see life through positive eyes. i want to choose to live empowered, take the high road, and take risks in my life. i want to live a life others envy.

6. i am hopelessly addicted to my movie collection... thus far, i own 311 movies, counting each volume of "tv on dvd" as one movie. i generally watch at least one movie or tv episode per day, most of the time using it as background noise whilst i study or do creative things.

7. i miss ireland more than i thought possible. i spent a month there this summer and every bone in my body is aching to go back. in my meager travels to different places in the states, i've come to realize that each place is pretty much the same as the rest of them - what makes them really different is the people who live there and the way they treat you and each other. and ireland was different. i still miss it.

8. i love to paint, even though i'm not the best at it - it brings me real joy. and not many things do these days.

9. i am extremely self-conscious and reliant on people for my validation. i'm working on changing this, but its something i've always struggled with.

10. i often feel "too radical" for my more conservative friends and family when i just feel like i'm being progressive, and "too goody goody" for my more liberal friends when i just feel like i'm being moral... it makes me wonder how people classify me in their minds.

11. i don't dye my hair blue for anyone but myself, and i'm tired of people insinuating that i do. its MY hair, MY favorite color, MY choice. sorry... but its not for you.

12. i've recently begun to do more girly glamour rituals than i used to... such as paint my toenails, actually buy makeup, and put gel in my hair. its a weird concept to me, but its been an interesting change in my life. plus, i'm beginning to actually like the color pink, instead of just tolerating it.

13. i really really love my dog. Norah is the cutest, funniest, politest, most amusing dog i've ever been around. she's my first dog, and she's never disappointed me. sure, she's had her make-a-kleenex-box-explode-all-over-the-living-room moments, but what dog hasn't?? she's smart and she's super excited to see me every single time i come home. who could ask for more??

14. i'm somewhat of an insomniac, which can be directly observed by viewing the time this note was posted. its been awhile since i actually felt perky and energetic.

15. i am getting exceedingly anxious about whether or not my artwork is good enough to get me anywhere in life. with graduation approaching, this fear/worry/stress compounds every day. this is significantly hindering my ability to think positive, as is this:

16. i'm beginning to doubt that there is any one man in this world who can not only love me for who i am, truly enjoy spending time with me, and desire to spend the rest of his life with me... but can also tolerate all my crazy, somewhat detailed in the previous 15 tiny insights into who i am.

please remember after reading - i'm still the friend you thought you knew... not the crazy person described above.

Nurture Nature... There's No Versus

I think I've pinpointed another reason why I'm finding it so difficult to spend less time with Luke, and its also the basis for a lot of anxiety about this coming semester when Luke's girlfriend will be living here in OKC. Its in my nature to take care of people, partially because I'm an oldest sister. Its the reason I enjoy ministry. Its how I manage my friendships. Its hard for me to see a friend who needs help and choose not to help them.

So I take care of Luke when he's sick. I take care of him when he's drunk. I keep him company when he's lonely, and I bring him chocolate cake because I know he likes it. I do all of this even though I pay dearly with feelings of resentment and jealousy when he takes care of his girlfriend and not me. I need someone of my own to take care of... I don't think I'm really ready to date again but I'm starting to want to. I don't know how to make any of this better.

At this point in my life, most of my friends are graduated and moved on, and the remainder are married and off the radar, dating someone or preparing to graduate, and everyone is extremely busy. I drive about an hour every day, alone. I work as a nanny, alone. I'm the only one in my house who ever does homework, so I do that alone. I'm generally the only one in my house awake past 10:30pm. The person who is most excited to see me is my dog. I don't feel like I'm in any position to turn down a friend who is trying so hard to make time for me. Plus, we had an amazing friendship for 3.5 years before we even dated. I'm not willing to just let it die.

The Wisdom of Nicole Kidman

It is officially cold now. I've been really surprised at how long its stayed warm. I'm sad that I missed out on the good camping weather, because I've been wanting to go for awhile. If I went camping now, it'd have to be with someone who would spoon, because it would be freakin cold at night. And I don't see that happening anytime soon. Plus, I've been sick for the last couple of weeks and sleeping outside in the cold probably wouldn't help me out much.

This season of transition is always a time of reflection for me. Of course the most recent big event in my life that I have to reflect on is the breakup in August. Its been a lonely and painful semester, and as of right now, next semester looks to be the same, considering the fact that both Luke and Whitney have their significant others moving to Oklahoma City to be with them. I have this foreboding sense of impending abandonment, and its plaguing any kind of positive outlook I could have for next semester.

I hate being this way. I feel like such a downer; I can feel my friends getting tired of me. It seems like my breakup, my broken heart, and my shattered self-esteem are all old news to everyone around me, but its still a raw wound to me. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to balance "taking care of myself" and feeling selfish and guilty for doing so. Its not in my nature to put myself first, so when I say no to people, take time off, or stay in bed when I'm sick - I just feel like I'm letting people down and that doesn't help me. I don't know where the line is.

I recently read an interview of Nicole Kidman in an issue of Glamour that was really encouraging to me and I'd like to share it. This statement follows a series of questions regarding the 6 years Nicole spent alone between getting divorced from Tom Cruise and marrying Kieth Urban. Glamour asked, "You're so good at giving advice on the basis of your life lessons; what can you tell our readers?" This was her response:

"Be kind to yourself. The sun always rises tomorrow, and through this shall come light... Have no regrets. Every relationship leads you to where you're meant to be. Learn to be comfortable with being alone. Learn to be comfortable with saying no to people; we put everybody else before ourselves. Read great literature; don't get all your information from TV. Define your moral code - nobody else is going to give you that. Find it yourself. Keep asking questions, keep challenging. You don't have to conform. Rebellion creates character. And, as my mother always said to me, 'Don't let anyone break your spirit!'"

I'm trying. Really trying.