- I want to start eating breakfast. There are a million reasons why, and the only reason I don't is because I'm lazy and I sleep in too close to time to leave.
- I want to stick to my diet better. This is mostly self-motivated and I haven't done very well lately.
- I want to spend more time with friends that I don't spend much time with. This is made more difficult by everyone's hectic schedules this close to finals and the holidays, but I might have more luck with this one next semester.
- I want to paint more. Again, I think I'll have more luck with this one next semester, and I know that I'll be doing some of this over Christmas break.
- I want to really really enjoy my last Christmas break. This shouldn't be too hard but I'm going to have to try really hard not to dwell on the sad parts.
- I want to cook more. This is way more fun when done with someone... but I'm trying to enjoy more things by myself.
- I want to make a few New Year resolutions that I actually keep. We'll see how that goes...
- I want to start writing again. This blog is entertaining, but its nowhere near the caliber of written genius I used to crank out.
- I want to be more informed on local and national politics. I don't want the next time I vote to be the presidential election in 2012.
- I want to do more community service. I've gotten out of the habit and its not something I want to do just because its required for my classes or my club.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Tis The Season For Change
I've been contemplating several changes I'd like to make to my life, so I thought I'd list them out for two reasons: first, making a list of things makes me more apt to do them. Second, sharing the list gives the reader the chance to encourage me in these endeavors. And I usually need all the encouragement I can get.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Sixteen Things About Me
i was prompted to write this for a friend on facebook, so i thought i may as well share it with the blogspot community. enjoy:
write a note with sixteen random things, shortcomings, facts, habits, strengths, or goals you have.
1. i am an extremely picky eater. absolutely no peppers, no onions, no avocados, no vinegar, no spinach, no salad, no broccoli, no salad, no mustard, and no squash... just to name a few.
2. i am extremely 'type A'. i keep a very detailed calendar, and i hang my tshirts in rainbow order in my closet. i also alphabetize my movies and keep an excel spreadsheet list of them detailing the name of the movie, the format its in, the genre it falls into, and what notable actors/actresses are in each one. now that i think about it, some of the things i do make me sound borderline OCD...
3. i never set just one alarm, i have to set a series of them in order to get out of bed, and that doesn't always work. i never get up to the first alarm i set, i always push snooze at least 5 times. the best way for me to get up on time is to have someone wake me up. repeatedly.
4. i feel more vulnerable right now than i have in my entire life, and i feel like this is the time i should be strong. which makes me feel like a failure. which makes me feel pathetic.
5. i have decided to try my hardest to see life through positive eyes. i want to choose to live empowered, take the high road, and take risks in my life. i want to live a life others envy.
6. i am hopelessly addicted to my movie collection... thus far, i own 311 movies, counting each volume of "tv on dvd" as one movie. i generally watch at least one movie or tv episode per day, most of the time using it as background noise whilst i study or do creative things.
7. i miss ireland more than i thought possible. i spent a month there this summer and every bone in my body is aching to go back. in my meager travels to different places in the states, i've come to realize that each place is pretty much the same as the rest of them - what makes them really different is the people who live there and the way they treat you and each other. and ireland was different. i still miss it.
8. i love to paint, even though i'm not the best at it - it brings me real joy. and not many things do these days.
9. i am extremely self-conscious and reliant on people for my validation. i'm working on changing this, but its something i've always struggled with.
10. i often feel "too radical" for my more conservative friends and family when i just feel like i'm being progressive, and "too goody goody" for my more liberal friends when i just feel like i'm being moral... it makes me wonder how people classify me in their minds.
11. i don't dye my hair blue for anyone but myself, and i'm tired of people insinuating that i do. its MY hair, MY favorite color, MY choice. sorry... but its not for you.
12. i've recently begun to do more girly glamour rituals than i used to... such as paint my toenails, actually buy makeup, and put gel in my hair. its a weird concept to me, but its been an interesting change in my life. plus, i'm beginning to actually like the color pink, instead of just tolerating it.
13. i really really love my dog. Norah is the cutest, funniest, politest, most amusing dog i've ever been around. she's my first dog, and she's never disappointed me. sure, she's had her make-a-kleenex-box-explode-all-over-the-living-room moments, but what dog hasn't?? she's smart and she's super excited to see me every single time i come home. who could ask for more??
14. i'm somewhat of an insomniac, which can be directly observed by viewing the time this note was posted. its been awhile since i actually felt perky and energetic.
15. i am getting exceedingly anxious about whether or not my artwork is good enough to get me anywhere in life. with graduation approaching, this fear/worry/stress compounds every day. this is significantly hindering my ability to think positive, as is this:
16. i'm beginning to doubt that there is any one man in this world who can not only love me for who i am, truly enjoy spending time with me, and desire to spend the rest of his life with me... but can also tolerate all my crazy, somewhat detailed in the previous 15 tiny insights into who i am.
please remember after reading - i'm still the friend you thought you knew... not the crazy person described above.
write a note with sixteen random things, shortcomings, facts, habits, strengths, or goals you have.
1. i am an extremely picky eater. absolutely no peppers, no onions, no avocados, no vinegar, no spinach, no salad, no broccoli, no salad, no mustard, and no squash... just to name a few.
2. i am extremely 'type A'. i keep a very detailed calendar, and i hang my tshirts in rainbow order in my closet. i also alphabetize my movies and keep an excel spreadsheet list of them detailing the name of the movie, the format its in, the genre it falls into, and what notable actors/actresses are in each one. now that i think about it, some of the things i do make me sound borderline OCD...
3. i never set just one alarm, i have to set a series of them in order to get out of bed, and that doesn't always work. i never get up to the first alarm i set, i always push snooze at least 5 times. the best way for me to get up on time is to have someone wake me up. repeatedly.
4. i feel more vulnerable right now than i have in my entire life, and i feel like this is the time i should be strong. which makes me feel like a failure. which makes me feel pathetic.
5. i have decided to try my hardest to see life through positive eyes. i want to choose to live empowered, take the high road, and take risks in my life. i want to live a life others envy.
6. i am hopelessly addicted to my movie collection... thus far, i own 311 movies, counting each volume of "tv on dvd" as one movie. i generally watch at least one movie or tv episode per day, most of the time using it as background noise whilst i study or do creative things.
7. i miss ireland more than i thought possible. i spent a month there this summer and every bone in my body is aching to go back. in my meager travels to different places in the states, i've come to realize that each place is pretty much the same as the rest of them - what makes them really different is the people who live there and the way they treat you and each other. and ireland was different. i still miss it.
8. i love to paint, even though i'm not the best at it - it brings me real joy. and not many things do these days.
9. i am extremely self-conscious and reliant on people for my validation. i'm working on changing this, but its something i've always struggled with.
10. i often feel "too radical" for my more conservative friends and family when i just feel like i'm being progressive, and "too goody goody" for my more liberal friends when i just feel like i'm being moral... it makes me wonder how people classify me in their minds.
11. i don't dye my hair blue for anyone but myself, and i'm tired of people insinuating that i do. its MY hair, MY favorite color, MY choice. sorry... but its not for you.
12. i've recently begun to do more girly glamour rituals than i used to... such as paint my toenails, actually buy makeup, and put gel in my hair. its a weird concept to me, but its been an interesting change in my life. plus, i'm beginning to actually like the color pink, instead of just tolerating it.
13. i really really love my dog. Norah is the cutest, funniest, politest, most amusing dog i've ever been around. she's my first dog, and she's never disappointed me. sure, she's had her make-a-kleenex-box-explode-all-over-the-living-room moments, but what dog hasn't?? she's smart and she's super excited to see me every single time i come home. who could ask for more??
14. i'm somewhat of an insomniac, which can be directly observed by viewing the time this note was posted. its been awhile since i actually felt perky and energetic.
15. i am getting exceedingly anxious about whether or not my artwork is good enough to get me anywhere in life. with graduation approaching, this fear/worry/stress compounds every day. this is significantly hindering my ability to think positive, as is this:
16. i'm beginning to doubt that there is any one man in this world who can not only love me for who i am, truly enjoy spending time with me, and desire to spend the rest of his life with me... but can also tolerate all my crazy, somewhat detailed in the previous 15 tiny insights into who i am.
please remember after reading - i'm still the friend you thought you knew... not the crazy person described above.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Nurture Nature... There's No Versus
I think I've pinpointed another reason why I'm finding it so difficult to spend less time with Luke, and its also the basis for a lot of anxiety about this coming semester when Luke's girlfriend will be living here in OKC. Its in my nature to take care of people, partially because I'm an oldest sister. Its the reason I enjoy ministry. Its how I manage my friendships. Its hard for me to see a friend who needs help and choose not to help them.
So I take care of Luke when he's sick. I take care of him when he's drunk. I keep him company when he's lonely, and I bring him chocolate cake because I know he likes it. I do all of this even though I pay dearly with feelings of resentment and jealousy when he takes care of his girlfriend and not me. I need someone of my own to take care of... I don't think I'm really ready to date again but I'm starting to want to. I don't know how to make any of this better.
At this point in my life, most of my friends are graduated and moved on, and the remainder are married and off the radar, dating someone or preparing to graduate, and everyone is extremely busy. I drive about an hour every day, alone. I work as a nanny, alone. I'm the only one in my house who ever does homework, so I do that alone. I'm generally the only one in my house awake past 10:30pm. The person who is most excited to see me is my dog. I don't feel like I'm in any position to turn down a friend who is trying so hard to make time for me. Plus, we had an amazing friendship for 3.5 years before we even dated. I'm not willing to just let it die.
So I take care of Luke when he's sick. I take care of him when he's drunk. I keep him company when he's lonely, and I bring him chocolate cake because I know he likes it. I do all of this even though I pay dearly with feelings of resentment and jealousy when he takes care of his girlfriend and not me. I need someone of my own to take care of... I don't think I'm really ready to date again but I'm starting to want to. I don't know how to make any of this better.
At this point in my life, most of my friends are graduated and moved on, and the remainder are married and off the radar, dating someone or preparing to graduate, and everyone is extremely busy. I drive about an hour every day, alone. I work as a nanny, alone. I'm the only one in my house who ever does homework, so I do that alone. I'm generally the only one in my house awake past 10:30pm. The person who is most excited to see me is my dog. I don't feel like I'm in any position to turn down a friend who is trying so hard to make time for me. Plus, we had an amazing friendship for 3.5 years before we even dated. I'm not willing to just let it die.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Wisdom of Nicole Kidman
It is officially cold now. I've been really surprised at how long its stayed warm. I'm sad that I missed out on the good camping weather, because I've been wanting to go for awhile. If I went camping now, it'd have to be with someone who would spoon, because it would be freakin cold at night. And I don't see that happening anytime soon. Plus, I've been sick for the last couple of weeks and sleeping outside in the cold probably wouldn't help me out much.
This season of transition is always a time of reflection for me. Of course the most recent big event in my life that I have to reflect on is the breakup in August. Its been a lonely and painful semester, and as of right now, next semester looks to be the same, considering the fact that both Luke and Whitney have their significant others moving to Oklahoma City to be with them. I have this foreboding sense of impending abandonment, and its plaguing any kind of positive outlook I could have for next semester.
I hate being this way. I feel like such a downer; I can feel my friends getting tired of me. It seems like my breakup, my broken heart, and my shattered self-esteem are all old news to everyone around me, but its still a raw wound to me. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to balance "taking care of myself" and feeling selfish and guilty for doing so. Its not in my nature to put myself first, so when I say no to people, take time off, or stay in bed when I'm sick - I just feel like I'm letting people down and that doesn't help me. I don't know where the line is.
I recently read an interview of Nicole Kidman in an issue of Glamour that was really encouraging to me and I'd like to share it. This statement follows a series of questions regarding the 6 years Nicole spent alone between getting divorced from Tom Cruise and marrying Kieth Urban. Glamour asked, "You're so good at giving advice on the basis of your life lessons; what can you tell our readers?" This was her response:
"Be kind to yourself. The sun always rises tomorrow, and through this shall come light... Have no regrets. Every relationship leads you to where you're meant to be. Learn to be comfortable with being alone. Learn to be comfortable with saying no to people; we put everybody else before ourselves. Read great literature; don't get all your information from TV. Define your moral code - nobody else is going to give you that. Find it yourself. Keep asking questions, keep challenging. You don't have to conform. Rebellion creates character. And, as my mother always said to me, 'Don't let anyone break your spirit!'"
I'm trying. Really trying.
This season of transition is always a time of reflection for me. Of course the most recent big event in my life that I have to reflect on is the breakup in August. Its been a lonely and painful semester, and as of right now, next semester looks to be the same, considering the fact that both Luke and Whitney have their significant others moving to Oklahoma City to be with them. I have this foreboding sense of impending abandonment, and its plaguing any kind of positive outlook I could have for next semester.
I hate being this way. I feel like such a downer; I can feel my friends getting tired of me. It seems like my breakup, my broken heart, and my shattered self-esteem are all old news to everyone around me, but its still a raw wound to me. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to balance "taking care of myself" and feeling selfish and guilty for doing so. Its not in my nature to put myself first, so when I say no to people, take time off, or stay in bed when I'm sick - I just feel like I'm letting people down and that doesn't help me. I don't know where the line is.
I recently read an interview of Nicole Kidman in an issue of Glamour that was really encouraging to me and I'd like to share it. This statement follows a series of questions regarding the 6 years Nicole spent alone between getting divorced from Tom Cruise and marrying Kieth Urban. Glamour asked, "You're so good at giving advice on the basis of your life lessons; what can you tell our readers?" This was her response:
"Be kind to yourself. The sun always rises tomorrow, and through this shall come light... Have no regrets. Every relationship leads you to where you're meant to be. Learn to be comfortable with being alone. Learn to be comfortable with saying no to people; we put everybody else before ourselves. Read great literature; don't get all your information from TV. Define your moral code - nobody else is going to give you that. Find it yourself. Keep asking questions, keep challenging. You don't have to conform. Rebellion creates character. And, as my mother always said to me, 'Don't let anyone break your spirit!'"
I'm trying. Really trying.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
First Haircut in Five Years
Well I finally did it... I chopped it off. It turned out really well, and I'm happy with it. Here's the before picture:
The after picture:
The hair on the floor:
And the final result:
I'm loving it!!
The after picture:
The hair on the floor:
And the final result:
I'm loving it!!
Monday, November 10, 2008
I'm Sick ...[or]... I Heart Freaks And Geeks
I'm sick. Super sick. I ache all over like you wouldn't believe. Consequently I spent my Sunday nearly entirely in bed, watching Scrubs and having chicken noodle soup and low acid orange juice brought to me. Luke showed up with an armful of cough drops and meds for me to take, along with the aforementioned culinary remedies. It was really nice. Since I slept most of the day, I couldn't sleep last night until about 3:30 this morning.
I woke up this morning feeling mostly better, just achy and throatsore enough to stay home again today. More OJ and soup. Today Luke brought me his Freaks and Geeks DVDs. I love this show for a lot of reasons. Its so honest. High school sucks so bad while you're there, and afterward, almost none of it matters. I love Kevin Smith movies. Plus, I love the actors... lots of them are still around and I like them in their current flicks. I'm watching the DVDs while I'm doing my homework... here's one of the best lines: "You know, I had a friend who used to smoke. You know what he's doing now?? He's DEAD. You think smoking makes you look cool? Let's go dig him up now and see how cool he looks."
HA!!
I woke up this morning feeling mostly better, just achy and throatsore enough to stay home again today. More OJ and soup. Today Luke brought me his Freaks and Geeks DVDs. I love this show for a lot of reasons. Its so honest. High school sucks so bad while you're there, and afterward, almost none of it matters. I love Kevin Smith movies. Plus, I love the actors... lots of them are still around and I like them in their current flicks. I'm watching the DVDs while I'm doing my homework... here's one of the best lines: "You know, I had a friend who used to smoke. You know what he's doing now?? He's DEAD. You think smoking makes you look cool? Let's go dig him up now and see how cool he looks."
HA!!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Ready For Some Changes
I'm ready to majorly overhaul my life. I get these random urges to just fly off the radar. To do something crazy. Well, not really crazy, just completely revolutionize several areas of my life. Here are just a few I've been thinking of:
There are a few things I've already initiated, things I've already started to change. New things in my life that I heartily embrace.
- I want to move to Portland, Oregon. Perhaps after graduation.
- I want to move to Ireland. Soon. Not immediately, but not in the far future.
- I want to live by myself. I want to stand on my own two feet, sink in somewhere on my own.
- I want to chop my hair off. I've been growing it out since I graduated high school, really. I'm sick of it.
- I want to date someone new. Someone older than me.
- I want to care again. I want to promote a cause I'm passionate about. I want to work toward something with sustenance.
There are a few things I've already initiated, things I've already started to change. New things in my life that I heartily embrace.
- I got a dog... I've never had a pet before that I could have a relationship with. She really loves me, and she's excited to see me when I get home. I love my Norah.
- I'm on a good diet. Its a natural foods diet that really works and makes me feel really good when I stick to it. The last couple weeks have been harder, but in general I'm doing really well with it.
- I've been taking more responsibility on a personal level. This one's hard to explain, but I feel like its definitely a positive step.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Finding Happiness Under The Sludge
The last couple days have held some rather horrid events. Like completely out-of-the-blue crappy stuff. It all started Saturday afternoon, when I got a rather distressing email. I've been commissioned to design a logo for a website, and I've now wasted a week of work because they've decided they want to keep their original name. Then, I tried to go pick up my friend Aaron so we could hang out, and I blew a tire in a pothole. A brand new tire that I bought a couple weeks ago when I blew a tire on a curb. Awesome. THEN, Luke, Aaron, and I were going to my friend Canaan's birthday party/bonfire, and Canaan didn't give me very clear directions... so we ended up making like 8 turnarounds and spending an extra hour on the road before we even got going in the right direction, and in the course of the evening I wasted an entire tank of gas.
I feel like I'm waste deep in a sludge of bad luck, bad circumstances, and bad timing.
I'm really trying to concentrate on the small things that are making me happy right now because those are the only things allowing me to get through the sludge. I'm going to make a list of those small things... to stay sane. And try to be happy.
I feel like I'm waste deep in a sludge of bad luck, bad circumstances, and bad timing.
I'm really trying to concentrate on the small things that are making me happy right now because those are the only things allowing me to get through the sludge. I'm going to make a list of those small things... to stay sane. And try to be happy.
- I had chocolate hazelnut creme gelato last night. Mmmmm...
- I stepped on crackling leaves while I was walking Norah this morning.
- Leo was visiting when I blew my tire so he was able to help me change it.
- Luke and I finished season 1 of Heroes last night.
- Whitney, Luke, and I rescued a stray dog on Sunday, and now we're making him healthy.
- Halloween is coming.
- My logo and website name ideas were awesome, even if my client doesn't want to use them.
- I get to sit at home and cuddle my dog until 4:30 tonight because I don't have homework to do. For once.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Hot Chocolate Weather
This morning was cold. I need to put another blanket on my bed. Being directly under a window doesn't help either. Its sleep-in-socks weather. Slipper weather. Big fluffy robe weather. Hot chocolate weather. Curl up on the couch in a blanket with a book weather. I'd love it a lot more if I had someone to cuddle with. Aside from my dog. <3
It all makes me want to listen to Christmas music and sit in front of a fire. Wrap presents and giggle with my sisters. Of course, I'll be saving that for closer to Christmas... but that is what this time of year makes me look forward to. First is Halloween!! It should be fun, although I haven't come up with a costume yet. I was Little Red Riding Hood last year. I'm up for any suggestions!!
I have mewithoutYou lyrics stuck in my head. I think I'll share them. This is the end of the song Messes of Men from their Brother, Sister album. Fantastic album, I love every song on it. Granted, mewithoutYou has a style that is not for everyone, but the lyrics are fantastic - deep and thought-provoking enough that most people can appreciate them.
"A few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure,
And I assure you, it was not what I expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
Is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel.
To an anchor ever-dropped, seasick yet still docked.
Captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel,
Floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong,
We keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short.
I drank a thimble full of fire and I'm not ever coming back.
Oh, my God!
I do not exist we faithfully insist
While watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew.
If ever you come near, I'll hold up high a mirror,
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You."
Great stuff.
It all makes me want to listen to Christmas music and sit in front of a fire. Wrap presents and giggle with my sisters. Of course, I'll be saving that for closer to Christmas... but that is what this time of year makes me look forward to. First is Halloween!! It should be fun, although I haven't come up with a costume yet. I was Little Red Riding Hood last year. I'm up for any suggestions!!
I have mewithoutYou lyrics stuck in my head. I think I'll share them. This is the end of the song Messes of Men from their Brother, Sister album. Fantastic album, I love every song on it. Granted, mewithoutYou has a style that is not for everyone, but the lyrics are fantastic - deep and thought-provoking enough that most people can appreciate them.
"A few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure,
And I assure you, it was not what I expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
Is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel.
To an anchor ever-dropped, seasick yet still docked.
Captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel,
Floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong,
We keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short.
I drank a thimble full of fire and I'm not ever coming back.
Oh, my God!
I do not exist we faithfully insist
While watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew.
If ever you come near, I'll hold up high a mirror,
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You."
Great stuff.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Contented Loneliness??
I'm having hard time coping with conflict within myself. Its unsettling when I honestly don't know how I feel about some things. Or in my current state, everything.
Content - I still live with my amazingly great roommate and I love her forever.
Lonely - I haven't spent more than 15 minutes of quality time with my roommate since the 12th.
Content - My dog is spectacularly wonderful and I love her so much.
Lonely - I haven't gotten to spend much time with my dog cause I'm running around busy all the time.
Content - I'm mostly busy enough to keep me distracted from dwelling on my last relationship, how it ended, and how I'm trying to be best friends with him again.
Lonely - My ex / best friend has moved on from our relationship and I haven't.
Content - The little boys I nanny are precious and I get to take naps at work.
Lonely - I don't have a job where I get to meet new people or make enough money to live on.
Lonely - I spend most of my weeknights doing homework by myself because no one will come out to my house and both of my roommates have graduated.
Lonely - I'm a thoroughly socially dependent person and I have very few social engagements anymore.
Lonely - I'm chemically imbalanced, anxious, and depressed... and my counselor's office hours don't allow me to see him this semester.
What's a girl to do??
Content - I still live with my amazingly great roommate and I love her forever.
Lonely - I haven't spent more than 15 minutes of quality time with my roommate since the 12th.
Content - My dog is spectacularly wonderful and I love her so much.
Lonely - I haven't gotten to spend much time with my dog cause I'm running around busy all the time.
Content - I'm mostly busy enough to keep me distracted from dwelling on my last relationship, how it ended, and how I'm trying to be best friends with him again.
Lonely - My ex / best friend has moved on from our relationship and I haven't.
Content - The little boys I nanny are precious and I get to take naps at work.
Lonely - I don't have a job where I get to meet new people or make enough money to live on.
Lonely - I spend most of my weeknights doing homework by myself because no one will come out to my house and both of my roommates have graduated.
Lonely - I'm a thoroughly socially dependent person and I have very few social engagements anymore.
Lonely - I'm chemically imbalanced, anxious, and depressed... and my counselor's office hours don't allow me to see him this semester.
What's a girl to do??
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Misty Morning
When I came out of my house this morning, my neighborhood was shrouded in a thick foggy mist that made me gasp, partially out of surprise because I hadn't looked outside yet, and partially out of awe and delight because it reminded me of mornings in Northern Ireland. I miss being there so much. I think that I got the best experience possible of living there because I wasn't just there to play around, I worked hard. I struggled through hard times as well as thoroughly enjoying the good times. I don't feel like I have an eyes-glazed-over view of life there. It felt just like living life here, only with more beautiful geography, beautiful accents, laid-back culture, and interesting surroundings (i.e. the rest of Europe).
I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after graduation in May. I have several options, some more conceivable than others. Live in OKC and work. Move back home and work. Move to Portland and work. Move to Ireland and work. I want to move. Mostly for a change of pace, but also because lately I've been growing increasingly terrified of the student loan debt that I owe. Honestly I'm not convinced that I'll ever get out from under.
Anyway. I've left this post unposted all day, and now I'm about to go to bed, much to the disappointment of my poor puppy. She misses me when I'm gone all day. :(
I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after graduation in May. I have several options, some more conceivable than others. Live in OKC and work. Move back home and work. Move to Portland and work. Move to Ireland and work. I want to move. Mostly for a change of pace, but also because lately I've been growing increasingly terrified of the student loan debt that I owe. Honestly I'm not convinced that I'll ever get out from under.
Anyway. I've left this post unposted all day, and now I'm about to go to bed, much to the disappointment of my poor puppy. She misses me when I'm gone all day. :(
Monday, October 20, 2008
I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends
Having watched Across the Universe twice this weekend, I have several of the songs from the soundtrack stuck in my head today. This one sticks out though, because its message rings so true in my life at the moment. Today I'm going to post the lyrics and challenge whomever reads them to treasure the friends in your life, while they're still around.
What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
and I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone
How do you feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own
No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm,Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends
What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
and I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone
How do you feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own
No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm,Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A Glimpse Into Daily Thought
What follows is a stream of consciousness that is in no way intended to have a coherence or deeper meaning. It is simply what I happen to be thinking about.
Why do girls with husky voices come off as sexy??
Please Mind Your Head.
I miss feeling successful.
I miss my sisters.
I have really cool scar stories.
This bracelet hasn't come off since I made it at camp in Ireland this summer.
I got a compliment from O'Keefe for the first time in a couple years.
"Twice as much ain't twice as good, and can't sustain like one-half could."
Hearing acoustic guitar makes me sad.
Autumn is the time of year when I can write well.
Stay the hell away from me.
Water droplets on a leaf.
Bright lights at concerts.
The sound of keyboards.
I wish I was home painting right now.
I really really freaking want that Schwab print, but I don't have $1000.
This burnt note I found outside of Cassie's apartment building is so cool.
Crismon has a hankie in his coat pocket... but I know he doesn't blow his nose in it.
Breakfast burritos are gross.
I wish I could do the Thriller dance.
I wish I had a really cool nickname.
I miss Dr. Tony Alley.
I feel like I would be far better prepared to graduate if Dr. Alley was still around.
People are already trying to set me up with every cute guy that comes along.
I don't know when I'm going to be ready to date again.
I'm glad I don't have to do anything for OC's homecoming just because I'm in club.
I miss being in club... Pi Zeta Phi, I love thee.
Pink flamingos don't belong on makeup packaging.
I have such a male sense of humor.
The Fray is a drab band, why do I listen to them??
I check Facebook too much.
"Oh ooo oh, oh ooo oh, baby baby..."
I'd like to get asked out, just once.
I need to file down the edge of my laptop case so it won't stab me.
I need to file down my dog's nails so she won't stab me with them.
My calendar is packed.
I want to go home to my dog, I don't want to stay for class tonight.
Simple Plan is depressing.
Sabrina is too cute for her own good.
Both of my lil sisters are cuter than me.
I need to pee.
I love iTunes' new Genius feature.
I love watching Scrubs.
I love the word "schmeared".
Who invented bobble-heads, and why??
My head hurts.
I hate hate hate having chapped lips.
I hate having to go to the Mac lab every time I want to do any homework.
Every time I turn a corner, I am on the look out for someone new to meet.
"Sentimental Valium"
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly...
Why do girls with husky voices come off as sexy??
Please Mind Your Head.
I miss feeling successful.
I miss my sisters.
I have really cool scar stories.
This bracelet hasn't come off since I made it at camp in Ireland this summer.
I got a compliment from O'Keefe for the first time in a couple years.
"Twice as much ain't twice as good, and can't sustain like one-half could."
Hearing acoustic guitar makes me sad.
Autumn is the time of year when I can write well.
Stay the hell away from me.
Water droplets on a leaf.
Bright lights at concerts.
The sound of keyboards.
I wish I was home painting right now.
I really really freaking want that Schwab print, but I don't have $1000.
This burnt note I found outside of Cassie's apartment building is so cool.
Crismon has a hankie in his coat pocket... but I know he doesn't blow his nose in it.
Breakfast burritos are gross.
I wish I could do the Thriller dance.
I wish I had a really cool nickname.
I miss Dr. Tony Alley.
I feel like I would be far better prepared to graduate if Dr. Alley was still around.
People are already trying to set me up with every cute guy that comes along.
I don't know when I'm going to be ready to date again.
I'm glad I don't have to do anything for OC's homecoming just because I'm in club.
I miss being in club... Pi Zeta Phi, I love thee.
Pink flamingos don't belong on makeup packaging.
I have such a male sense of humor.
The Fray is a drab band, why do I listen to them??
I check Facebook too much.
"Oh ooo oh, oh ooo oh, baby baby..."
I'd like to get asked out, just once.
I need to file down the edge of my laptop case so it won't stab me.
I need to file down my dog's nails so she won't stab me with them.
My calendar is packed.
I want to go home to my dog, I don't want to stay for class tonight.
Simple Plan is depressing.
Sabrina is too cute for her own good.
Both of my lil sisters are cuter than me.
I need to pee.
I love iTunes' new Genius feature.
I love watching Scrubs.
I love the word "schmeared".
Who invented bobble-heads, and why??
My head hurts.
I hate hate hate having chapped lips.
I hate having to go to the Mac lab every time I want to do any homework.
Every time I turn a corner, I am on the look out for someone new to meet.
"Sentimental Valium"
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Hello Autumn
It has officially arrived. The mornings are cold enough to make me cower under the covers for a few extra minutes, if only to avoid the moment when the cold hits my bare legs and my whole skin cringes. This time of year is always so reminiscent... most people can relate to the bittersweet feeling that hangs in the air when the breezes turn cooler and the crackling leaves make their final journeys to ground and grave. I can't help but miss friends and times that have passed. The very reason I started blogging again today is because this time of year reminds me of times in the last few years when I could write really well. Admittedly I'm somewhat out of practice, so these first posts might be too wordy or inadequately articulate... but I'm going to try.
As most people who are any kind of close to me are acutely aware, I've had a rough couple of months starting out this semester. While my recent breakup is mostly to blame, there are many reasons for this. I live off campus this year, and while I'm thoroughly enjoying the space I get, the money I'm saving, the two lovely roommates I get to live with, and the freedom I didn't have while living at OC... I'm feeling incredibly isolated and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to work on my assignments by myself. My creative inspiration input is slim to none, and my lack of impressive output directly reflects that. Its disheartening, especially this close to graduation, which I'm growing exceedingly anxious about. Plus, I'm refusing to even BEGIN thinking about all my money issues, both present and future.
Contrary to how it may seem, my life also has several new-found joys that make my days bearable, and even enjoyable.
First and foremost, I'm the proud new owner of a precious lil bundle of love in dog form. Her name is Norah, and she's a schnauzer / terrier mix. I love her very much, and she makes me so happy, especially when she's so excited to see me when I get home. secondly, my job this semester is being nanny to two of the cutest little boys in the world. At ages 2.5 and 1.5, they're quite interesting to hang out with all day, but I'm loving it more than I thought possible. Lastly, I've been making a lot of effort to hang out with some friends that I don't get to see very often, and its been really rewarding thus far. I've especially enjoyed the company of my 'lil sis' Mellisa, Becca, Simone, and my dear friends, the Conklins.
I've been trying to really live in the moment and not worry too much about my future. Its been difficult, considering the fact that this school-going phase in my life is drawing to a close. The last four+ years have gone so fast... I can honestly say that I was smart enough to revel in it while it was happening. I'm so grateful that I was able to do so, and I'm not looking back wishing I had. I want to leave my readers with this one thought in conclusion: if at all possible, revel in your life. Don't take one single thing or person for granted.
As most people who are any kind of close to me are acutely aware, I've had a rough couple of months starting out this semester. While my recent breakup is mostly to blame, there are many reasons for this. I live off campus this year, and while I'm thoroughly enjoying the space I get, the money I'm saving, the two lovely roommates I get to live with, and the freedom I didn't have while living at OC... I'm feeling incredibly isolated and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to work on my assignments by myself. My creative inspiration input is slim to none, and my lack of impressive output directly reflects that. Its disheartening, especially this close to graduation, which I'm growing exceedingly anxious about. Plus, I'm refusing to even BEGIN thinking about all my money issues, both present and future.
Contrary to how it may seem, my life also has several new-found joys that make my days bearable, and even enjoyable.
First and foremost, I'm the proud new owner of a precious lil bundle of love in dog form. Her name is Norah, and she's a schnauzer / terrier mix. I love her very much, and she makes me so happy, especially when she's so excited to see me when I get home. secondly, my job this semester is being nanny to two of the cutest little boys in the world. At ages 2.5 and 1.5, they're quite interesting to hang out with all day, but I'm loving it more than I thought possible. Lastly, I've been making a lot of effort to hang out with some friends that I don't get to see very often, and its been really rewarding thus far. I've especially enjoyed the company of my 'lil sis' Mellisa, Becca, Simone, and my dear friends, the Conklins.I've been trying to really live in the moment and not worry too much about my future. Its been difficult, considering the fact that this school-going phase in my life is drawing to a close. The last four+ years have gone so fast... I can honestly say that I was smart enough to revel in it while it was happening. I'm so grateful that I was able to do so, and I'm not looking back wishing I had. I want to leave my readers with this one thought in conclusion: if at all possible, revel in your life. Don't take one single thing or person for granted.
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