Ready For Some Changes

I'm ready to majorly overhaul my life. I get these random urges to just fly off the radar. To do something crazy. Well, not really crazy, just completely revolutionize several areas of my life. Here are just a few I've been thinking of:

1. I want to move to Portland, Oregon. Perhaps after graduation.
2. I want to move to Ireland. Soon. Not immediately, but not in the far future.
3. I want to live by myself. I want to stand on my own two feet, sink in somewhere on my own.
   
4. I want to chop my hair off. I've been growing it out since I graduated high school, really. I'm sick of it.
   
5. I want to date someone new. Someone older than me.
6. I want to care again. I want to promote a cause I'm passionate about. I want to work toward something with sustenance.
   

The only change I'm already in the process of making is having my own room for the first time since I lived in my parents' house. I'm moving into my studio room and moving my studio space out into our second living room. Whitney and I have shared a bedroom for so long, I'm not sure if it will be more lonely or liberating for me. We'll see how it goes. :)

There are a few things I've already initiated, things I've already started to change. New things in my life that I heartily embrace.

1. I got a dog... I've never had a pet before that I could have a relationship with. She really loves me, and she's excited to see me when I get home. I love my Norah.
2. I'm on a good diet. Its a natural foods diet that really works and makes me feel really good when I stick to it. The last couple weeks have been harder, but in general I'm doing really well with it.
   
3. I've been taking more responsibility on a personal level. This one's hard to explain, but I feel like its definitely a positive step.
   

Happy Halloween. :)

Finding Happiness Under The Sludge

The last couple days have held some rather horrid events. Like completely out-of-the-blue crappy stuff. It all started Saturday afternoon, when I got a rather distressing email. I've been commissioned to design a logo for a website, and I've now wasted a week of work because they've decided they want to keep their original name. Then, I tried to go pick up my friend Aaron so we could hang out, and I blew a tire in a pothole. A brand new tire that I bought a couple weeks ago when I blew a tire on a curb. Awesome. THEN, Luke, Aaron, and I were going to my friend Canaan's birthday party/bonfire, and Canaan didn't give me very clear directions... so we ended up making like 8 turnarounds and spending an extra hour on the road before we even got going in the right direction, and in the course of the evening I wasted an entire tank of gas.

I feel like I'm waste deep in a sludge of bad luck, bad circumstances, and bad timing.

I'm really trying to concentrate on the small things that are making me happy right now because those are the only things allowing me to get through the sludge. I'm going to make a list of those small things... to stay sane. And try to be happy.

1. I had chocolate hazelnut creme gelato last night. Mmmmm...
2. I stepped on crackling leaves while I was walking Norah this morning.
3. Leo was visiting when I blew my tire so he was able to help me change it.
4. Luke and I finished season 1 of Heroes last night.
5. Whitney, Luke, and I rescued a stray dog on Sunday, and now we're making him healthy.
6. Halloween is coming.
7. My logo and website name ideas were awesome, even if my client doesn't want to use them.
8. I get to sit at home and cuddle my dog until 4:30 tonight because I don't have homework to do. For once.
   

Hot Chocolate Weather

This morning was cold. I need to put another blanket on my bed. Being directly under a window doesn't help either. Its sleep-in-socks weather. Slipper weather. Big fluffy robe weather. Hot chocolate weather. Curl up on the couch in a blanket with a book weather. I'd love it a lot more if I had someone to cuddle with. Aside from my dog. <3

It all makes me want to listen to Christmas music and sit in front of a fire. Wrap presents and giggle with my sisters. Of course, I'll be saving that for closer to Christmas... but that is what this time of year makes me look forward to. First is Halloween!! It should be fun, although I haven't come up with a costume yet. I was Little Red Riding Hood last year. I'm up for any suggestions!!

I have mewithoutYou lyrics stuck in my head. I think I'll share them. This is the end of the song Messes of Men from their Brother, Sister album. Fantastic album, I love every song on it. Granted, mewithoutYou has a style that is not for everyone, but the lyrics are fantastic - deep and thought-provoking enough that most people can appreciate them.

"A few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure,
And I assure you, it was not what I expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
Is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel.
To an anchor ever-dropped, seasick yet still docked.
Captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel,
Floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong,
We keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short.

I drank a thimble full of fire and I'm not ever coming back.

Oh, my God!

I do not exist we faithfully insist
While watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew.
If ever you come near, I'll hold up high a mirror,
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You."



Great stuff.

Contented Loneliness??

I'm having hard time coping with conflict within myself. Its unsettling when I honestly don't know how I feel about some things. Or in my current state, everything.

Content - I still live with my amazingly great roommate and I love her forever.
Lonely - I haven't spent more than 15 minutes of quality time with my roommate since the 12th.
Content - My dog is spectacularly wonderful and I love her so much.
Lonely - I haven't gotten to spend much time with my dog cause I'm running around busy all the time.
Content - I'm mostly busy enough to keep me distracted from dwelling on my last relationship, how it ended, and how I'm trying to be best friends with him again.
Lonely - My ex / best friend has moved on from our relationship and I haven't.
Content - The little boys I nanny are precious and I get to take naps at work.
Lonely - I don't have a job where I get to meet new people or make enough money to live on.
Lonely - I spend most of my weeknights doing homework by myself because no one will come out to my house and both of my roommates have graduated.
Lonely - I'm a thoroughly socially dependent person and I have very few social engagements anymore.
Lonely - I'm chemically imbalanced, anxious, and depressed... and my counselor's office hours don't allow me to see him this semester.

What's a girl to do??

Misty Morning

When I came out of my house this morning, my neighborhood was shrouded in a thick foggy mist that made me gasp, partially out of surprise because I hadn't looked outside yet, and partially out of awe and delight because it reminded me of mornings in Northern Ireland. I miss being there so much. I think that I got the best experience possible of living there because I wasn't just there to play around, I worked hard. I struggled through hard times as well as thoroughly enjoying the good times. I don't feel like I have an eyes-glazed-over view of life there. It felt just like living life here, only with more beautiful geography, beautiful accents, laid-back culture, and interesting surroundings (i.e. the rest of Europe).

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after graduation in May. I have several options, some more conceivable than others. Live in OKC and work. Move back home and work. Move to Portland and work. Move to Ireland and work. I want to move. Mostly for a change of pace, but also because lately I've been growing increasingly terrified of the student loan debt that I owe. Honestly I'm not convinced that I'll ever get out from under.

Anyway. I've left this post unposted all day, and now I'm about to go to bed, much to the disappointment of my poor puppy. She misses me when I'm gone all day. :(

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Having watched Across the Universe twice this weekend, I have several of the songs from the soundtrack stuck in my head today. This one sticks out though, because its message rings so true in my life at the moment. Today I'm going to post the lyrics and challenge whomever reads them to treasure the friends in your life, while they're still around.




What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
and I'll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone
How do you feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm,Gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love

Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, Gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends

A Glimpse Into Daily Thought

What follows is a stream of consciousness that is in no way intended to have a coherence or deeper meaning. It is simply what I happen to be thinking about.

Why do girls with husky voices come off as sexy??
Please Mind Your Head.
I miss feeling successful.
I miss my sisters.
I have really cool scar stories.
This bracelet hasn't come off since I made it at camp in Ireland this summer.
I got a compliment from O'Keefe for the first time in a couple years.
"Twice as much ain't twice as good, and can't sustain like one-half could."
Hearing acoustic guitar makes me sad.
Autumn is the time of year when I can write well.
Stay the hell away from me.
Water droplets on a leaf.
Bright lights at concerts.
The sound of keyboards.
I wish I was home painting right now.
I really really freaking want that Schwab print, but I don't have $1000.
This burnt note I found outside of Cassie's apartment building is so cool.
Crismon has a hankie in his coat pocket... but I know he doesn't blow his nose in it.
Breakfast burritos are gross.
I wish I could do the Thriller dance.
I wish I had a really cool nickname.
I miss Dr. Tony Alley.
I feel like I would be far better prepared to graduate if Dr. Alley was still around.
People are already trying to set me up with every cute guy that comes along.
I don't know when I'm going to be ready to date again.
I'm glad I don't have to do anything for OC's homecoming just because I'm in club.
I miss being in club... Pi Zeta Phi, I love thee.
Pink flamingos don't belong on makeup packaging.
I have such a male sense of humor.
The Fray is a drab band, why do I listen to them??
I check Facebook too much.
"Oh ooo oh, oh ooo oh, baby baby..."
I'd like to get asked out, just once.
I need to file down the edge of my laptop case so it won't stab me.
I need to file down my dog's nails so she won't stab me with them.
My calendar is packed.
I want to go home to my dog, I don't want to stay for class tonight.
Simple Plan is depressing.
Sabrina is too cute for her own good.
Both of my lil sisters are cuter than me.
I need to pee.
I love iTunes' new Genius feature.
I love watching Scrubs.
I love the word "schmeared".
Who invented bobble-heads, and why??
My head hurts.
I hate hate hate having chapped lips.
I hate having to go to the Mac lab every time I want to do any homework.
Every time I turn a corner, I am on the look out for someone new to meet.
"Sentimental Valium"
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly...

Hello Autumn

It has officially arrived. The mornings are cold enough to make me cower under the covers for a few extra minutes, if only to avoid the moment when the cold hits my bare legs and my whole skin cringes. This time of year is always so reminiscent... most people can relate to the bittersweet feeling that hangs in the air when the breezes turn cooler and the crackling leaves make their final journeys to ground and grave. I can't help but miss friends and times that have passed. The very reason I started blogging again today is because this time of year reminds me of times in the last few years when I could write really well. Admittedly I'm somewhat out of practice, so these first posts might be too wordy or inadequately articulate... but I'm going to try.

As most people who are any kind of close to me are acutely aware, I've had a rough couple of months starting out this semester. While my recent breakup is mostly to blame, there are many reasons for this. I live off campus this year, and while I'm thoroughly enjoying the space I get, the money I'm saving, the two lovely roommates I get to live with, and the freedom I didn't have while living at OC... I'm feeling incredibly isolated and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to work on my assignments by myself. My creative inspiration input is slim to none, and my lack of impressive output directly reflects that. Its disheartening, especially this close to graduation, which I'm growing exceedingly anxious about. Plus, I'm refusing to even BEGIN thinking about all my money issues, both present and future.

Contrary to how it may seem, my life also has several new-found joys that make my days bearable, and even enjoyable. First and foremost, I'm the proud new owner of a precious lil bundle of love in dog form. Her name is Norah, and she's a schnauzer / terrier mix. I love her very much, and she makes me so happy, especially when she's so excited to see me when I get home. secondly, my job this semester is being nanny to two of the cutest little boys in the world. At ages 2.5 and 1.5, they're quite interesting to hang out with all day, but I'm loving it more than I thought possible. Lastly, I've been making a lot of effort to hang out with some friends that I don't get to see very often, and its been really rewarding thus far. I've especially enjoyed the company of my 'lil sis' Mellisa, Becca, Simone, and my dear friends, the Conklins.

I've been trying to really live in the moment and not worry too much about my future. Its been difficult, considering the fact that this school-going phase in my life is drawing to a close. The last four+ years have gone so fast... I can honestly say that I was smart enough to revel in it while it was happening. I'm so grateful that I was able to do so, and I'm not looking back wishing I had. I want to leave my readers with this one thought in conclusion: if at all possible, revel in your life. Don't take one single thing or person for granted.