I think I've pinpointed another reason why I'm finding it so difficult to spend less time with Luke, and its also the basis for a lot of anxiety about this coming semester when Luke's girlfriend will be living here in OKC. Its in my nature to take care of people, partially because I'm an oldest sister. Its the reason I enjoy ministry. Its how I manage my friendships. Its hard for me to see a friend who needs help and choose not to help them.
So I take care of Luke when he's sick. I take care of him when he's drunk. I keep him company when he's lonely, and I bring him chocolate cake because I know he likes it. I do all of this even though I pay dearly with feelings of resentment and jealousy when he takes care of his girlfriend and not me. I need someone of my own to take care of... I don't think I'm really ready to date again but I'm starting to want to. I don't know how to make any of this better.
At this point in my life, most of my friends are graduated and moved on, and the remainder are married and off the radar, dating someone or preparing to graduate, and everyone is extremely busy. I drive about an hour every day, alone. I work as a nanny, alone. I'm the only one in my house who ever does homework, so I do that alone. I'm generally the only one in my house awake past 10:30pm. The person who is most excited to see me is my dog. I don't feel like I'm in any position to turn down a friend who is trying so hard to make time for me. Plus, we had an amazing friendship for 3.5 years before we even dated. I'm not willing to just let it die.
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My college roommate felt the same way you do for several years, then she met someone and is now happily married. It was miserable for her before that, for all the same reasons you mentioned. I think as women we have an internal need to take care of someone. It's great that you have a dog to do that for. Sometimes we need to have someone other than ourselves to think about, and yet, it is so good to think about ourselves and our own lives. Growing up is hard -and it can be lonely. I wish I could fix it all for you, but I know you will be stronger for it in the end. I can't wait to hang out during Xmas break. Did you read my blog? I am having a boy!
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