It is officially cold now. I've been really surprised at how long its stayed warm. I'm sad that I missed out on the good camping weather, because I've been wanting to go for awhile. If I went camping now, it'd have to be with someone who would spoon, because it would be freakin cold at night. And I don't see that happening anytime soon. Plus, I've been sick for the last couple of weeks and sleeping outside in the cold probably wouldn't help me out much.
This season of transition is always a time of reflection for me. Of course the most recent big event in my life that I have to reflect on is the breakup in August. Its been a lonely and painful semester, and as of right now, next semester looks to be the same, considering the fact that both Luke and Whitney have their significant others moving to Oklahoma City to be with them. I have this foreboding sense of impending abandonment, and its plaguing any kind of positive outlook I could have for next semester.
I hate being this way. I feel like such a downer; I can feel my friends getting tired of me. It seems like my breakup, my broken heart, and my shattered self-esteem are all old news to everyone around me, but its still a raw wound to me. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to balance "taking care of myself" and feeling selfish and guilty for doing so. Its not in my nature to put myself first, so when I say no to people, take time off, or stay in bed when I'm sick - I just feel like I'm letting people down and that doesn't help me. I don't know where the line is.
I recently read an interview of Nicole Kidman in an issue of Glamour that was really encouraging to me and I'd like to share it. This statement follows a series of questions regarding the 6 years Nicole spent alone between getting divorced from Tom Cruise and marrying Kieth Urban. Glamour asked, "You're so good at giving advice on the basis of your life lessons; what can you tell our readers?" This was her response:
"Be kind to yourself. The sun always rises tomorrow, and through this shall come light... Have no regrets. Every relationship leads you to where you're meant to be. Learn to be comfortable with being alone. Learn to be comfortable with saying no to people; we put everybody else before ourselves. Read great literature; don't get all your information from TV. Define your moral code - nobody else is going to give you that. Find it yourself. Keep asking questions, keep challenging. You don't have to conform. Rebellion creates character. And, as my mother always said to me, 'Don't let anyone break your spirit!'"
I'm trying. Really trying.
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3 comments:
dearest when you said this,
"I hate being this way. I feel like such a downer; I can feel my friends getting tired of me. It seems like my breakup, my broken heart, and my shattered self-esteem are all old news to everyone around me, but its still a raw wound to me. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to balance "taking care of myself" and feeling selfish and guilty for doing so. Its not in my nature to put myself first, so when I say no to people, take time off, or stay in bed when I'm sick - I just feel like I'm letting people down and that doesn't help me. I don't know where the line is."
i know exactly how you feel. my fiance( if you can call him that) and i broke up over a year ago and i still hurt and sometimes i still need to talk about it but no one wants to listen.
i know where you are at. im more then willing to hear you, to hold you, or just be there.
you are amazing, special, beautiful amanda.
Aw sweetie....I respect your wishes so I am not trash-talking when I remind you that YOU are not the selfish or guilty party in this breakup. Giving in to being sick is often the fastest road to recovery, don't take as long to learn that as your mama did. You have so many friends who love you AND will treat you well, I implore you to invest your time in THEM and not in trying to salvage a friendship that is no longer an equal effort. To do otherwise is to continue beating yourself in the face with the past.
I love you B&G~~MoMo.
Your feelings are valid and so are your needs. Your true friends will always listen, but they will also know when it is time tell you to "get over it" and move on to the next step in your life. Love hurts, but hurt can teach us so much about ourselves. Your life is in such transition right now. I am reminded of an old song from Kathy Troccolli, I think, that says, "Life is hard, but God is good." Hang in there, my friend. Don't settle for second best. You are worth more than you can ever know.
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