i was prompted to write this for a friend on facebook, so i thought i may as well share it with the blogspot community. enjoy:
write a note with sixteen random things, shortcomings, facts, habits, strengths, or goals you have.
1. i am an extremely picky eater. absolutely no peppers, no onions, no avocados, no vinegar, no spinach, no salad, no broccoli, no salad, no mustard, and no squash... just to name a few.
2. i am extremely 'type A'. i keep a very detailed calendar, and i hang my tshirts in rainbow order in my closet. i also alphabetize my movies and keep an excel spreadsheet list of them detailing the name of the movie, the format its in, the genre it falls into, and what notable actors/actresses are in each one. now that i think about it, some of the things i do make me sound borderline OCD...
3. i never set just one alarm, i have to set a series of them in order to get out of bed, and that doesn't always work. i never get up to the first alarm i set, i always push snooze at least 5 times. the best way for me to get up on time is to have someone wake me up. repeatedly.
4. i feel more vulnerable right now than i have in my entire life, and i feel like this is the time i should be strong. which makes me feel like a failure. which makes me feel pathetic.
5. i have decided to try my hardest to see life through positive eyes. i want to choose to live empowered, take the high road, and take risks in my life. i want to live a life others envy.
6. i am hopelessly addicted to my movie collection... thus far, i own 311 movies, counting each volume of "tv on dvd" as one movie. i generally watch at least one movie or tv episode per day, most of the time using it as background noise whilst i study or do creative things.
7. i miss ireland more than i thought possible. i spent a month there this summer and every bone in my body is aching to go back. in my meager travels to different places in the states, i've come to realize that each place is pretty much the same as the rest of them - what makes them really different is the people who live there and the way they treat you and each other. and ireland was different. i still miss it.
8. i love to paint, even though i'm not the best at it - it brings me real joy. and not many things do these days.
9. i am extremely self-conscious and reliant on people for my validation. i'm working on changing this, but its something i've always struggled with.
10. i often feel "too radical" for my more conservative friends and family when i just feel like i'm being progressive, and "too goody goody" for my more liberal friends when i just feel like i'm being moral... it makes me wonder how people classify me in their minds.
11. i don't dye my hair blue for anyone but myself, and i'm tired of people insinuating that i do. its MY hair, MY favorite color, MY choice. sorry... but its not for you.
12. i've recently begun to do more girly glamour rituals than i used to... such as paint my toenails, actually buy makeup, and put gel in my hair. its a weird concept to me, but its been an interesting change in my life. plus, i'm beginning to actually like the color pink, instead of just tolerating it.
13. i really really love my dog. Norah is the cutest, funniest, politest, most amusing dog i've ever been around. she's my first dog, and she's never disappointed me. sure, she's had her make-a-kleenex-box-explode-all-over-the-living-room moments, but what dog hasn't?? she's smart and she's super excited to see me every single time i come home. who could ask for more??
14. i'm somewhat of an insomniac, which can be directly observed by viewing the time this note was posted. its been awhile since i actually felt perky and energetic.
15. i am getting exceedingly anxious about whether or not my artwork is good enough to get me anywhere in life. with graduation approaching, this fear/worry/stress compounds every day. this is significantly hindering my ability to think positive, as is this:
16. i'm beginning to doubt that there is any one man in this world who can not only love me for who i am, truly enjoy spending time with me, and desire to spend the rest of his life with me... but can also tolerate all my crazy, somewhat detailed in the previous 15 tiny insights into who i am.
please remember after reading - i'm still the friend you thought you knew... not the crazy person described above.
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1 comment:
This is the longest comment ever; I hope you don't mind:
comment on #2: Roy is type A, and he also has an Excel spreadsheet of all of our movies (250-300)!
comment on #4: What's wrong with feeling vulnerable except that it is uncomfortable? It puts you in a good place to be open for change, which is inevitable in this chapter of your life.
comment on #5: I have never been good at risktaking, but I wish I was. Fear is what keeps so many from great experiences or hard lessons learned.
comment on #9 and 10: it is good that you recognize this. I was the same way. Now that I am older and have had some success on my own, not related to others, I can validate myself and ignore others' opinions about me and the decisions I make in life. People are very judgemental, and it takes time to get passed that and not care how they classify you, esp. if you are a people pleaser. The thing is, no matter how you live, someone is not going to be pleased.
comment on #11: you go, girl! (That saying really shows my age, huh? LOL)
comment on #15: I would think if you were not good at what you do, then someone in your program would have told you so. I also think you would have recognized this a long time ago yourself. You know your talents better than anyone. I have seen some of your work and think it is spectacular. You must believe in yourself and convey that belief when interviewing - confidence if key to getting a job. You have what it takes; don't doubt yourself or your natural talents.
comment on #16: there is someone out there just waiting to love all those things about you, and waiting for you to love the quirkiness in him as well. Be patient. Set life/career goals, work toward them, and don't settle for second best. Life (or God, whichever way you want to think of it) has a way of bringing us what we need when we really need it, including relationships.
I don't think you are crazy; I think your feelings are perfectly normal for someone your age and in your season of life. You will look back at this time as one of great self-awareness and insight into who you are and also whom you want/plan to become. Don't stop moving forward, no matter how hard it is. Life's a marathon, not a sprint, and sometimes you have to run uphill for a while...
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